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WTF, Express?

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Saturday’s Sass:

Express, what the actual fuck were you thinking?

Before I get into this, I’d like to point out that this is not a fashion blog. That being said, the two subjects are related so there may be some overlap. I don’t make a point of seeking things like this to write about, but I couldn’t help myself when I saw what I saw.

Backstory: I recently decided that I would like to invest in a decent blazer at some point. I have a blazer but it isn’t sturdy and isn’t versatile. I opened a few browser tabs to get an idea of what is currently available from various retailers. The Express website, www.express.com, tosses you onto a landing page with some current promotional info and where you then choose if you want to shop Womens, Mens, Sale, etc. This is what I was greeted with when I clicked the, “Womens,” link:


Nopenopenope. On the left – let’s not try to pass off drawstring, elastic-waist pants worn with a crop top and stilettos as chic. Especially not when those pants have tapered legs and what really feels like an athletic stripe down the side. Protip: Contoured cheekbones do not make you stylish. Neither does simply standing in what appears to be New York City.

On the right – jumpsuits (that are not intended as an occupational uniform) are against my religion, and they should be against yours too because they flatter no one. They’re awkward on the model, and they’re ridiculous on people who do not resemble matchsticks. Can we talk about this? This specific jumpsuit is called their, “Strapless Track Pant Jumpsuit.” Hot damn, what’s more stylish than track pants? Obviously track pants with a shapeless, drapey tube top attached. Listen – I used to run competitively. Please run just 50 meters in that. Bonus points if you don’t ditch the heels. Let me know how it goes for you.

The, “About,” section of their website states the following:

Express is the must-have sexy, sophisticated fashion brand for work, the weekend, or going out. It’s what’s new and what’s now for young fashion-forward women and men.

Really? Interesting. For most people, work clothing =/= sexy. The above is neither sexy nor sophisticated. Fashion forward? Maybe – but things like this are why my eyebrow is raised near-perpetually when it comes to fashion. I swear the designers just run out of ideas every now and then and make things like this to troll people. Don’t be the guy that designs or buys this nonsense.

Until writing this final sentence, I never did check out their blazers – none of their inventory appeals to me…but I’d be lying if I said that nonsense above didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. Keep trying, Express.

Designer Skin Conceited

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2023 Update: I wrote this ten years ago. While I’ve definitely improved my internet composition skills, my snark and thoughts about this product are the same. In the meantime, I’ve given this a facelift (content is the same, just formatting and added headings). Hilariously, this product is still on the market!

If your lotion is called Conceited…

In the first half of this year, I decided to start visiting a tanning salon (I have since stopped for a variety of reasons). Retail lotion prices, however, are not the friendliest at the salon, so I decided to consult the trusty internet for guidance. While shopping, I noticed that many varieties had nonsense all over their labels. If you are unfamiliar with tanning lotions, they often have silly (sometimes punny) names.

I came across an amusing offering in a pink-and-black bottle from tanning line Designer Skin: Conceited. Evidently, it comes in an appetizing, “Candy Crush,” fragrance (hurry along, junkies!). Here’s what it looks like.

conceitedlotion

Taking a Shot at the Label

Its label states:

“Love you or hate you—no one can deny you’re fierce! So attract the attention you deserve with a dark, look-at-me shade of bronze! Spoil yourself with Designer Skin’s notorious 10X bronzing power wrapped in an illuminating base with an airbrush finish. You’ll look like you just stepped out of a magazine and everyone else will be green with envy. Jealousy is an illness, get well soon!

  • QuickSun™ Technology provides bronze color after just one minute, while DS ProBronze Extend™ allows color to still develop after tanning and last days longer
  • Photo Ready Airbrush Technology provides a matte finish to help reduce the appearance of skin imperfections
  • Illuminating Opal Extracts help to enhance skin radiance for a luminous glow”

What? I can’t say what I expected from a bottle of tanning lotion. Not much, but not this. Let’s have a look at this.

Let’s Pick Apart the Claims

Notorious 10x bronzing power?

Sounds pretty serious! While the the tanning industry’s habit for describing bronzers with multiplication mystifies me, I would like to address their word choice. Now I know what, “notorious,” means, but let’s see what Google has to say.

def1

Okay. I hadn’t heard of this quality until I went to that item’s product listing. Plus, aren’t bronzers supposed to be a good quality in a tanning bed lotion? Shows what I know. Moving on –

Illuminating base?

That’s a fancy way of saying, “it is shimmery.” They then move on to tout this product as being edgy and high-tech. QuickSun just means the lotion is tinted like a self tanner. It isn’t technology, it is dye. DS ProBronze Extend and Photo Ready Airbrush Technology are just marketing buzz-words.

I would also like to point out that your ridiculous, shimmery illuminating base and Illuminating Opal Extracts contradict your later claim of a Photo Ready Airbrush matte finish.

The Bottom Line

I can guarantee you this lotion does not perform any better or worse than whatever the current market favorite is. On top of that, tan length depends on a ton of factors – your own chemistry, how you treat your post-tan skin, etc.

Obviously, I did not buy it to bother trying it. If you would like to experience the wonder that is QuickSun and DS ProBronze Extend, it is available from Lotions2Go and Amazon.