WTF, Express?

Saturday’s Sass:

Express, what the actual fuck were you thinking?

Before I get into this, I’d like to point out that this is not a fashion blog. That being said, the two subjects are related so there may be some overlap. I don’t make a point of seeking things like this to write about, but I couldn’t help myself when I saw what I saw.

Backstory: I recently decided that I would like to invest in a decent blazer at some point. I have a blazer but it isn’t sturdy and isn’t versatile. I opened a few browser tabs to get an idea of what is currently available from various retailers. The Express website,, tosses you onto a landing page with some current promotional info and where you then choose if you want to shop Womens, Mens, Sale, etc. This is what I was greeted with when I clicked the, “Womens,” link:

Nopenopenope. On the left – let’s not try to pass off drawstring, elastic-waist pants worn with a crop top and stilettos as chic. Especially not when those pants have tapered legs and what really feels like an athletic stripe down the side. Protip: Contoured cheekbones do not make you stylish. Neither does simply standing in what appears to be New York City.

On the right – jumpsuits (that are not intended as an occupational uniform) are against my religion, and they should be against yours too because they flatter no one. They’re awkward on the model, and they’re ridiculous on people who do not resemble matchsticks. Can we talk about this? This specific jumpsuit is called their, “Strapless Track Pant Jumpsuit.” Hot damn, what’s more stylish than track pants? Obviously track pants with a shapeless, drapey tube top attached. Listen – I used to run competitively. Please run just 50 meters in that. Bonus points if you don’t ditch the heels. Let me know how it goes for you.

The, “About,” section of their website states the following:

Express is the must-have sexy, sophisticated fashion brand for work, the weekend, or going out. It’s what’s new and what’s now for young fashion-forward women and men.

Really? Interesting. For most people, work clothing =/= sexy. The above is neither sexy nor sophisticated. Fashion forward? Maybe – but things like this are why my eyebrow is raised near-perpetually when it comes to fashion. I swear the designers just run out of ideas every now and then and make things like this to troll people. Don’t be the guy that designs or buys this nonsense.

Until writing this final sentence, I never did check out their blazers – none of their inventory appeals to me…but I’d be lying if I said that nonsense above didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. Keep trying, Express.